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Book Description

John Gottman has revolutionized the study of marriage by using rigorous scientific procedures to observe the habits of married couples in unprecedented detail over many years. Here is the culmination of his life's work: the seven principles that guide couples on the path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship. Packed with practical questionnaires and exercises, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the definitive guide for anyone who wants their relationship to attain its highest potential.

Amazon.com

According to most relationship books, the key to a solid marriage is communication, communication, communication. Phooey, says John Gottman, Ph.D., author of the much-lauded Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. There's much more to a solid, "emotionally intelligent" marriage than sharing every feeling and thought, he points out--though most couples therapists ineffectively (and expensively) harp on these concepts.

Gottman, the director of the Gottman Institute, has found through studying hundreds of couples in his "love lab" that it only takes five minutes for him to predict--with 91 percent accuracy--which couples will eventually divorce. He shares the four not-so-obvious signs of a troubled relationship that he looks for, using sometimes amusing passages from his sessions with married couples. (One standout is Rory, the pediatrician who didn't know the name of the family dog because he spent so much time at work.)

Gottman debunks many myths about divorce (primary among them that affairs are at the root of most splits). He also reveals surprising facts about couples who stay together. They do engage in screaming matches. And they certainly don't resolve every problem. "Take Allan and Betty," he writes. "When Allan gets annoyed at Betty, he turns on ESPN. When Betty is upset with him, she heads for the mall. Then they regroup and go on as if nothing's happened. Never in forty-five years of marriage have they sat down to have a 'dialogue' about their relationship." While this may sound like a couple in trouble, Gottman found that they pass the love-lab tests and say honestly that "they are both very satisfied with their relationship and they love each other deeply."

Through a series of in-depth quizzes, checklists, and exercises, similar to the ones he uses in his workshops, Gottman provides the framework for coping with differences and strengthening your marriage. His profiles of troubled couples rescued from the brink of divorce (including that of Rory, the out-of-touch doctor) and those of still-happy couples who reinvigorate their relationships are equally enlightening.

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　--Erica Jorgensen

About Author

JOHN M. GOTTMAN, Ph.D., is a professor of psychology at the University of Washington and cofounder and codirector of the Seattle Marital and Family Institute.

Book Dimension :

length: (cm)20.5 　　　 　　　　　 　 width:(cm)13.3

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亲密互动练习1：20道爱情地图问题带着笑容和温和的娱乐精神一起玩这个游戏，你玩的次数越多，你就越了解爱情地图这个概念，并知道如何把它运用到你的婚姻中去。

第一步：每个人准备一张纸，一支笔，两个人一起从1到60中随机选取20个数字，并将这些数字竖行写在纸的左边。

第二步：下面有个编好号码的问题清单，从你竖行排列的首个数字开始，按照这些数字找到相应的问题，每个人都要问配偶这些问题。如果配偶回答正确（由你评判），配偶得到相应问题后面所标出的分数，而你得1分；如果回答错误，两个人都不得分。轮到你回答问题的时候，规则还是一样。你们俩都回答完20道问题之后，比较两个人的分数，得分最高的那个人就是赢家。

1 说出我两位挚友的名字。（2）

2 我最喜欢的乐队、作曲家或乐器是什么？（2）

3 我们第一次见面时我穿什么样的衣服？（2）

4 说出我的一种爱好。（3）

5 我是在哪里出生的？（1）

6 我现在面临的压力是什么？（4）

7 详细描述我今天或昨天做的事情。（4）

8 我的生日是哪天？（1）

9 我们的结婚周年纪念日是什么时候？（1）

10 我最喜欢的亲戚是谁？（2）

11 我最渴望但未曾实现的梦想是什么？（5）

12 我最喜欢的花是什么？（2）

13 让我感到最恐怖或灾难性的场景是什么？（3）

14 我最喜欢在什么时候做爱？（3）

15 哪些事情让我觉得我很厉害？（4）

16 什么会让我性兴奋？（3）

17 我最喜欢吃什么？（2）

18 我最喜欢怎样度过一个晚上？（2）

19 我最喜欢的颜色是什么？（1）

20 在...

由于你对爱情地图这个概念有了更清楚的认识，现在是时候把注意力集中在你的以对方日常生活为关注点的爱情地图上，即使这些地图都在你的脑海中，但写下一些基本信息对你来说也是有帮助的。

如果你（或你的配偶）认为你们目前的爱情地图有缺陷，或者过时了（这种情况经常出现），你或配偶就要花额外的时间来做这个练习。把自己当做一名记者，利用下面的表格去采访对方。（如果配偶不在身边，你也能自顾自填写这个表格，但很明显，这个练习的好处就是信息分享。）你和配偶轮流充当询问者和回答者，然后把答案写在这些表格上。

（最好是用一张纸，笔记本或日记本更好，你能用它来做这本书上的所有练习。）不要对配偶告诉你的事情妄下判断，不要给对方提建议，记住，你只是在执行实况调查任务，你的目的是倾听并了解你的配偶。

我配偶生活中的人物表

朋友：

潜在的朋友：

对手、竞争者、“敌人”：

最近我配偶生活中的重大事件

＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿。

即将到来的事件

（我配偶盼望的是什么？害怕的是什么？）

＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿。

我配偶目前的压力

＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿。

我配偶目前的烦恼

＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿。

我配偶的希望与期望。（对自己？对其他人？）

＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿。

尽管这个练习仅仅是简单描述了你配偶的生活，但是它能给你很大的启发。参加过我们培训班的夫妇说，这个练习给了他们很大的惊喜，帮助他们更好地了解自己的配偶。例如，在乔直截了当地问唐娜的希望与期待之前，乔从来不...

我受的伤害与康复

1 你经历的困难或度过的艰难时期是哪些？写下你遭受的任何重大的心理侮辱与伤害、损失、失望、麻烦以及磨难。包括那些让你感到压力与威胁的时期，也包括任何你觉得绝望、孤独的比较宁静的时期。

2 你是如何从这些创伤中存活下来的？它们对你的长期影响是什么？

3 你是如何变坚强并治愈自己的？你如何调整你的怨恨？你是如何振作并让自己恢复的？

4 如果这种事情再发生的话，你会怎样保护自己？

5 这些伤害以及你保护并治愈自己的方法是如何影响你现在的婚姻的？对你的这些方面，你想让你的配偶了解多少？

我的情感世界

1 当你还是个孩子的时候，你的家庭成员是怎样表达下面这些情绪的？

愤怒；

悲伤；

恐惧；

爱慕；

互助。

2 在你的童年时期，你的父母有没有处理过特别的情感问题？如父母间的侵犯行为，父母中一方消沉抑郁或在感情上受到伤害？这对你的婚姻以及你的其他亲密关系（友谊、同父母、兄弟姐妹、孩子们的关系）有什么影响？

3 你对表达自己的情感，尤其是悲伤、愤怒、恐惧、骄傲以及爱意的看法是什么？它们中有哪些是你觉得难以表达的，或者你难以从配偶身上看到的？

4 在表达情感这个领域你与配偶存在哪些差异？这些差异的背后是什么？这些差异暗示了你什么？1 你经历的困难或度过的艰难时期是哪些？写下你遭受的任何重大的心理侮辱与伤害、损失、失望、麻烦以及磨难。包括那些让你感到压力与威胁的时期，也包括任何你觉得绝望、孤独的比较宁静的时期。

2 你是如何从这些创伤中存活下来的？它们对你的长期影响是什么？

3 你是如何变坚强并治愈自己的？你如何调整你的怨恨？你是如何振作并让自己恢复的？

4 如果这种事情再发生的话，你会怎样保护自己？

5 这些伤害以及你保护并治愈...

说到离婚率，统计结果仍然让人吃惊。67%的初婚夫妇会在结婚后的40年里离婚，其中有一半的离婚发生在结婚后的头7年。有些研究发现，二婚的离婚率比初次结婚的离婚率高10%。

比如，朱蒂的丈夫常常工作到很晚才回家，朱蒂为此感到很烦恼，治疗师要求朱蒂在表达自己的不满时，应以述说自己的感受为主，而不是大声控诉鲍勃。朱蒂不能这样说：“你太自私了，总是工作到很晚才回家，让我一个人带孩子。”而应该这样说：“你工作到很晚才回家，只有我和孩子们待在家里，我觉得孤单、不知所措。”

这种咨询方法不起作用，不仅是因为大多数夫妻不可能做得好，而且更重要的是因为成功地解决冲突并不能使婚姻幸福。我们研究中最令人吃惊的发现之一是，当夫妻不安的时候，维持幸福婚姻的大部分夫妻不太会做任何事情，甚至类似积极倾听的事他们也很少做。

书籍介绍

在线阅读本书

Book Description

John Gottman has revolutionized the study of marriage by using rigorous scientific procedures to observe the habits of married couples in unprecedented detail over many years. Here is the culmination of his life's work: the seven principles that guide couples on the path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship. Packed with practical questionnaires and exercises, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the definitive guide for anyone who wants their relationship to attain its highest potential.

Amazon.com

According to most relationship books, the key to a solid marriage is communication, communication, communication. Phooey, says John Gottman, Ph.D., author of the much-lauded Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. There's much more to a solid, "emotionally intelligent" marriage than sharing every feeling and thought, he points out--though most couples therapists ineffectively (and expensively) harp on these concepts.

Gottman, the director of the Gottman Institute, has found through studying hundreds of couples in his "love lab" that it only takes five minutes for him to predict--with 91 percent accuracy--which couples will eventually divorce. He shares the four not-so-obvious signs of a troubled relationship that he looks for, using sometimes amusing passages from his sessions with married couples. (One standout is Rory, the pediatrician who didn't know the name of the family dog because he spent so much time at work.)

Gottman debunks many myths about divorce (primary among them that affairs are at the root of most splits). He also reveals surprising facts about couples who stay together. They do engage in screaming matches. And they certainly don't resolve every problem. "Take Allan and Betty," he writes. "When Allan gets annoyed at Betty, he turns on ESPN. When Betty is upset with him, she heads for the mall. Then they regroup and go on as if nothing's happened. Never in forty-five years of marriage have they sat down to have a 'dialogue' about their relationship." While this may sound like a couple in trouble, Gottman found that they pass the love-lab tests and say honestly that "they are both very satisfied with their relationship and they love each other deeply."

Through a series of in-depth quizzes, checklists, and exercises, similar to the ones he uses in his workshops, Gottman provides the framework for coping with differences and strengthening your marriage. His profiles of troubled couples rescued from the brink of divorce (including that of Rory, the out-of-touch doctor) and those of still-happy couples who reinvigorate their relationships are equally enlightening.

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　--Erica Jorgensen

About Author

JOHN M. GOTTMAN, Ph.D., is a professor of psychology at the University of Washington and cofounder and codirector of the Seattle Marital and Family Institute.

Book Dimension :

length: (cm)20.5 　　　 　　　　　 　 width:(cm)13.3